Self-Consciousness

*My Picture*


First off, I have a confession to make.

There's one big part thing that contributes to who I am that I've never made a point to announce. I guess I've always been kind of scared to, honestly.
But I think it's time to finally tell you all.

When I was around 5, I was diagnosed with cancer. Leukemia, to be exact.  I'm perfectly fine and cancer free now; have been for years, but it was there, and I went through it.

I've mentioned my fear of blood/doctors before and that's pretty much where the fear originates from. I know the doctors saved my life. I know they kept me alive, and got me to the healthy state I am today. That doesn't make me any less petrified of them though.

I was lucky (sounds odd to say that, doesn't it?) to have gotten cancer when I was younger. I honestly don't remember most of what happened, and I thank God for that. A few events I can recall, but they're fuzzy and marginal at best.

Though the cancer itself is gone, there are side-effects of the treatment and all that I went through. I'm not the skinniest of things, although I'm not obese, but never being as skinny as the other girls always made me feel quite self-conscious.

I was heading towards being obese though, gaining weight faster than I should have been. Around the beginning of fall last year, it was determined that I was pre-pre-diabetic, which means I wasn't pre-diabetic yet, but was on the way towards that path. That was a wake-up call to me. I'd tried to get fit before but I'd had no real motivation. To think that I might have to inject myself with insulin if I didn't change how I lived and what I was doing, was a slap in the face, to say the least.

Since October or so of last year I've been kicking things into gear. Exercising, & eating less and better. I've lost about 20 pounds since I started everything, and I'm still working at things.

This isn't a post about all of that though. The title would've been a bit different if it had been. What this post is about, is indeed feeling self-conscious about yourself.

I think we all know that the voice inside our head is sometimes a jerk. Especially when it comes to thinking about ourselves and how we look. Nobody has ever been negative to me about how I look or my weight, but that doesn't deter the voice inside my head from being a negative bugger.

A lot of people these days are extremely conscious about how they look, dress, act, even speak. Do we blame this on society? With it's photo-shopped images portraying how girls (and also guys) would look in a perfect world, with perfect bodies and faces, how could we not? But then again, isn't it just our own fault? We are the ones thinking theses things about ourselves. Worrying over how we appear to others when honestly, your personality and character is all that matters. As a species we seem to excel at conjuring up narcissistic, negative things to make ourselves, or others feel bad.

I'm not perfect. Nobody is. And you can't stop the voice in your head. Trust me, it's there forever.

Throughout writing this, I've been recalling a quote that I believe is from Lindsey Stirling. I can't remember it fully,but I believe it's along the lines of, "I looked in the mirror everyday and told myself I was beautiful, until I believed it."

There will always be a voice inside your head. It's a given to being a human. We can't get rid of it, but we can certainly change it. We control all that goes on in our heads, even though it might not feel that way. There are so many things you can say to counteract that ugly voice in your head. A simple,"I don't care," or whatever offhand comment you would make to somebody rude in real life can make things better. I'm not saying the voice is going to give up right away. If your's is like mine, it's stubborn as hell. But remaining persistent, and meaning, what you think can make the voice die down.

And I know we've all heard this before, but look. Every single one of us is beautiful. It is as simple as that. Disregard shape, size, height, race, and society's ideals. You can never live up to what society wants; what it's ideals are. Nobody can.

Live to be what you want. Shut off that negative voice in your head and replace it with a positive one. Tell yourself you're beautiful, until you mean it. Think of all the people who love you, unconditionally, and know that they find you utterly beautiful as a person. At the end of the day, there are some things you can't change about yourself. I think part of maturing, and becoming someone, is learning to live with those things. You are who you are, and no matter what you believe in, it's a fact that you were put on this Earth for a reason, and you were put here as you are.

I don't have a good reason for writing this post. Like most, it just kind of hit me on the head and demanded to be written. I was getting ready this morning, thinking about how I needed to get a post up, when my eyes landed on my chest. Below my collarbone, on the right side of my body, there is a pink scar, from when I went through treatment for cancer. I couldn't help but stare at it and marvel at how I used to try to hide it. I was always so terrified that somebody would see it. I think when asked about it once when I was younger, I fibbed and said it was from a bicycle accident. Something lame, so I could quickly duck my head and get away.

It amuses me to think about that when now I don't bother hiding it. I wear tank tops, shirts with scooped necklines, and other things that allow you to see the scar.

I'm still  not totally off of being self-conscious. The negative voice still claims residence in my brain, although it's in a small corner of it. It continues to get quieter as I get older, and work harder to be healthier. I will never be the dream image I have of myself in my head. I know that. But I'm becoming somebody perhaps better than the ideal that lives in my brain.

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I apologize for not having posted. School was INSANE this week, and it's needless to say I had no motivation to put anything together; not even a Jumbled Thoughts. With luck, things will slow down as the school year comes to an end, and I'll be back to entertaining you all with my antics.

I really appreciate those who read this whole thing. I hope none of you think any different of me. I'm still the same Adi, who spends way too much money on music, and can't write a perfectly connected post if she tried. Having gone through cancer is just another thing that makes me, me.

Have a good morning/day/afternoon/night, everybody. =)


Comments

  1. Kudos to you for sharing such a personal thing with all of us, and having such a good outlook on it. You seem like a really, really good person, Adi, and only some.. evil.. goblin.. (picture some evil LoTR character here, I've got nothing) would think different of you. I love the advice you gave about that stupid little voice in our heads.

    Keep being awesome, Adaline!

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    1. Thank you, Eve. That means a great deal to me; your words are really touching. <3
      xo Adi

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  2. I really needed this post today. Thank you so much. I've been struggling a lot with how I look and honestly I just needed the reminder to kick that voice aside and remember my worth.

    And man, I love you. You're so honest and brave and that's just awesome. Seriously. You're a fighter, Adi. And I admire how much courage it must have taken to write this post. Thank you for sharing that with us.

    You're so beautiful. Inside and out<3

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    1. I'm so happy that it helped you. That's the only real goal of this blog.

      Thank you. I'm trying not to tear up right now; that means a lot to me. Thank you, so much. ^-^
      xo Adi

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  3. Very inspirational. I admit, I let that little voice get to me. A LOT. I know who I am, what my personailty is, what I like to do, but most of the time, I hide it. Even from my dearest and nearest friends.
    I especially liked it when you said that we shall never live up to society's expecations. Because that's just it. Unless we want to be a makeup covered, "cool", just-like-everyone-else person, we won't.

    Good job to you for being able to shrug off your self-conciousness concerning your scar and not being bothered by it! That's a sign of a strong person.
    ~Kathryn

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    1. Thank you, Kathryn.
      We will never truly live up to what society wants. I don't even think those "cool" people live up to the imaginary ideals we've constructed.
      xo Adi

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  4. Adaline, this post is so great. Well said.
    I'm so glad that the cancer you had as a child is gone, and I'm so glad that you've been learning to become confident and happy with who you are. My story is similar is some ways...I went through a time when I was extremely self-conscious and unhappy with my appearance. Like you, I did learn to become healthier in my habits, but the thing that made the biggest difference was working on my own attitude.
    I really like the Lindsey Stirling quote you included!

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    1. Thank you Hannah.
      I'm happy you, too, managed to become happy with who you are. Being self-conscious is certainly no fun.
      Thanks again! ^-^
      xo Adi

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  5. Amazing. This post is so true.
    I know an 8 year old who's dealing with leukemia on and off since she was 5. She's had kimo therapy (if that's how you spell it) twice and in between those two times her hair grew back only to fall back out again. I'm glad you're better now. Thanks for sharing your story.
    ~Emily

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    1. Oh, I hope the girl who's going through it is doing alright. Chemo is certainly no fun. >-<
      Thank *you* for commenting. <3
      xo Adi

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  6. Wow. Never expected this.This hasn't changed my view of you, just that you are very brave and strong. <3
    I kind of have the same problem that you have, except that I'm super skinny. That doesn't bode well when you're blonde too and it just makes feel a bit self-conscious with myself. I really needed this and it helped a lot.Thank you!

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    1. Glad it didn't change your view. =)
      I'm glad it helped. ^-^
      xo Adi

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. ^ Whoops, sorry. Posted that under the wrong account. >.<
      ~
      Wow. It was so incredibly brave of you to post this, Adi. You're such a wonderfully strong person and such an inspiration to young bloggers everywhere. <3
      I've learned a lot about this negative voice over the past few months. Whether it's something as complex as anxiety or something as simple as the shape of my nose, I've discovered exactly what you said - everyone is wonderful in their own way and are put here for a reason. I truly believe this and wish that more people knew this. You go, girl.
      ~Olivia

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    2. I'm not sure about being an inspiration, but thank you. <3
      It makes me happy to hear that you silenced the negative voice. You're such an incredible person, Olivia. I don't know what the world would do without someone like you.
      xo Adi

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  8. This is sweet. Thanks for sharing Adi. :)
    I think I sorta know how you feel, but on a slightly lower level. I mean, I just had my appendix out when I was ten. But it left me with poor ab muscles. I got super self-conscious when I was 11 and 12. That was because I was letting standards and pictures...and American Girl Movies, (of all things) cloud my vision of how I was supposed to look.
    I battle that voice in my head. It's haunting. I have to shove bible verses and awesome quotes in my head to shut it up often. XP
    Thanks for posting this dear. :)
    ~Jess the HHH

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    1. Of course. Thanks for being so sweet about me sharing it. =)
      I hope you win the battle with the voice. I know you can. ^-^
      xo Adi

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    2. Of course. Thanks for being so sweet about me sharing it. =)
      I hope you win the battle with the voice. I know you can. ^-^
      xo Adi

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  9. My sister and I both have a few autoimmune diseases. One of mine is Granuloma Annulare. It's where I have too many white blood cells and they raise to the surface of my skin and die, creating a red circle that kind of looks like ringworm which is kind of embarrassing. They can last for years in the same place, and you can get them all over your body, and in different sizes. I used to have a really big one of my arm, and now I have five different ones on my legs. I used to be really self-conscious about them, but then I realized that I can't help that I have these. They're part of me, and I can't change anything about them. Last summer I was so self-conscious, that I wore long sleeve shirts to cover up the one of my arm, even though it was like 100 degrees. Now, though, I really don't care about them and they don't bother me, and if people ask me about them, I just explain what they are.
    Thank you for posting this. I really needed it.<3

    ~Abigail xx

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    1. I'd never heard of that before; thank you for telling me about it. I can imagine how that would make one self-conscious. I'm so happy that you came to realize they're a part of you and make you who you are. That's a big thing.
      Thanks for the sweet comment. Glad it was of help. ^-^
      xo Adi

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  10. this post was much needed today, Adi. Feeling self-conscious was something I always struggled with, and added to body appearance, I mean wow. Talk about a type of fear. But things have gotten better, and honestly, quotes have helped me so much. They're just that much of an inspiration and so true to life. That's so awesome that you don't really care whether or not people see your scar anymore, 'cuz fear of people is really not worth anything is what I've come to conclude.

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    1. I'm so glad to hear that.
      Quotes are helpful to me too; there are so many beautiful ones out there, and it's amazing the boosts they can give one.
      Thank you so much for commenting. And I agree. Fear of people is worth nobody's time.
      xo Adi

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  11. Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad that you feel less self-conscious now. In the past I'd always been self-conscious of how I look and how I dress, and it took me a few years to move past all that. Needed this today :)

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    1. Thank you for commenting. I'm glad to hear it's helped a lot of people. I'm glad you got past being self-conscious too. ^-^
      xo Adi

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  12. Oh, Adi, you're truly such a strong, sweet person. I don't think I ever could have the courage to say something of this caliber like you do. You're honestly so amazing. <3
    I agree with everything you said. One thing that helps me if I'm feeling self-conscious is to look in the mirror and find one good thing about myself. For example, if I'm feeling self-conscious about my crooked teeth, I'll say to myself, "Well, at least my hair looks good" or "I do have a pretty cute outfit, though." One thing may not sound like a lot, but it really, really helps me and lifts me up. :)
    And I agree with the never living up to the ideal image we have in our heads. The ideal image in our heads generally wants us to be someone we're not, and why settle for that when we have ourselves?

    - Ellie

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    1. Thank you, Ellie. That means a ton to me. <3
      That's always a good thing to do; I try to do it often, and like you said, it really does lift a person up.
      Precisely. ^-^
      xo Adi

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  13. Wow this post is great, and inspirational. I can sorta relate to how you feel, a few years ago I had to have a bone removed from my foot. Which resulted in a large scar running most of the length of my foot. I was always slightly afraid to have other people see it. Thanks for posting this.
    -Shannon

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  14. Wow. Thanks, Adi. This post showed me that no one is actually perfect, and even the coolest, nicest people (like you) have problems. I really understand the self conciousness thing, because even though it probably doesn't come across when I type, I'm super self concious and I don't have much confidence (with people other than my family and my close friends (and even then I'm uncomfortable with relatives that I don't see that often.).
    Take the other week for example, when I tried to cheer you up with the pictures. I never had any hesitation when I posted them, but when I got a notification that you'd commented, I was so scared.
    What if you thought it was weird? What if you thought I was stupid, and you were over what had annoyed you, and my efforts were pointless? Silly, I know, but I still thought it. Obviously, when I saw what you had written, I was so relieved and I knew I was being overdramatic.

    Erm, sorry this comment is so long, but I just wanted to tell you that this post is so true to life, and you are such an inspiration.
    Charlotte

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    1. Thank you for commenting. It means a lot to me that this post affected/helped people, and made them think.
      If there's one thing I can guarantee you, Charlotte, it's that I will never turn down somebody posting pictures to make me happy. Even if I had been over things, the fact that you did all that still would have touched me in the same way. (A very big thank you to doing that btw. I appreciated the gesture so very much, and I adored the pictures. Just what I'd needed.)

      Thank you once again. That means so much. <3
      xo Adi

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  15. Bravo. This post was so inspirational that I can't even. Thank you for making my day.

    ~Watermelon~

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  16. Wow, Adi. I'm so glad you're better.

    I've always been semi-conscious about my body. This made my day.

    I just want to let you know, that you are a huge inspiration, and you deserve happiness. I hope you always find joy.

    ~ella~

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    1. Thank you, Ella.
      Glad it helped. That is all I could've hoped this post would achieve.
      Thank you again. That means a lot. <3
      xo Adi

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