Self-Consciousness

*My Picture*

First off, I have a confession to make.

There's one big part thing that contributes to who I am that I've never made a point to announce. I guess I've always been kind of scared to, honestly.
But I think it's time to finally tell you all.

When I was around 5, I was diagnosed with cancer. Leukemia, to be exact.  I'm perfectly fine and cancer free now; have been for years, but it was there, and I went through it.

I've mentioned my fear of blood/doctors before and that's pretty much where the fear originates from. I know the doctors saved my life. I know they kept me alive, and got me to the healthy state I am today. That doesn't make me any less petrified of them though.

I was lucky (sounds odd to say that, doesn't it?) to have gotten cancer when I was younger. I honestly don't remember most of what happened, and I thank God for that. A few events I can recall, but they're fuzzy and marginal at best.

Though the cancer itself is gone, there are side-effects of the treatment and all that I went through. I'm not the skinniest of things, although I'm not obese, but never being as skinny as the other girls always made me feel quite self-conscious.

I was heading towards being obese though, gaining weight faster than I should have been. Around the beginning of fall last year, it was determined that I was pre-pre-diabetic, which means I wasn't pre-diabetic yet, but was on the way towards that path. That was a wake-up call to me. I'd tried to get fit before but I'd had no real motivation. To think that I might have to inject myself with insulin if I didn't change how I lived and what I was doing, was a slap in the face, to say the least.

Since October or so of last year I've been kicking things into gear. Exercising, & eating less and better. I've lost about 20 pounds since I started everything, and I'm still working at things.

This isn't a post about all of that though. The title would've been a bit different if it had been. What this post is about, is indeed feeling self-conscious about yourself.

I think we all know that the voice inside our head is sometimes a jerk. Especially when it comes to thinking about ourselves and how we look. Nobody has ever been negative to me about how I look or my weight, but that doesn't deter the voice inside my head from being a negative bugger.

A lot of people these days are extremely conscious about how they look, dress, act, even speak. Do we blame this on society? With it's photo-shopped images portraying how girls (and also guys) would look in a perfect world, with perfect bodies and faces, how could we not? But then again, isn't it just our own fault? We are the ones thinking theses things about ourselves. Worrying over how we appear to others when honestly, your personality and character is all that matters. As a species we seem to excel at conjuring up narcissistic, negative things to make ourselves, or others feel bad.

I'm not perfect. Nobody is. And you can't stop the voice in your head. Trust me, it's there forever.

Throughout writing this, I've been recalling a quote that I believe is from Lindsey Stirling. I can't remember it fully,but I believe it's along the lines of, "I looked in the mirror everyday and told myself I was beautiful, until I believed it."

There will always be a voice inside your head. It's a given to being a human. We can't get rid of it, but we can certainly change it. We control all that goes on in our heads, even though it might not feel that way. There are so many things you can say to counteract that ugly voice in your head. A simple,"I don't care," or whatever offhand comment you would make to somebody rude in real life can make things better. I'm not saying the voice is going to give up right away. If your's is like mine, it's stubborn as hell. But remaining persistent, and meaning, what you think can make the voice die down.

And I know we've all heard this before, but look. Every single one of us is beautiful. It is as simple as that. Disregard shape, size, height, race, and society's ideals. You can never live up to what society wants; what it's ideals are. Nobody can.

Live to be what you want. Shut off that negative voice in your head and replace it with a positive one. Tell yourself you're beautiful, until you mean it. Think of all the people who love you, unconditionally, and know that they find you utterly beautiful as a person. At the end of the day, there are some things you can't change about yourself. I think part of maturing, and becoming someone, is learning to live with those things. You are who you are, and no matter what you believe in, it's a fact that you were put on this Earth for a reason, and you were put here as you are.

I don't have a good reason for writing this post. Like most, it just kind of hit me on the head and demanded to be written. I was getting ready this morning, thinking about how I needed to get a post up, when my eyes landed on my chest. Below my collarbone, on the right side of my body, there is a pink scar, from when I went through treatment for cancer. I couldn't help but stare at it and marvel at how I used to try to hide it. I was always so terrified that somebody would see it. I think when asked about it once when I was younger, I fibbed and said it was from a bicycle accident. Something lame, so I could quickly duck my head and get away.

It amuses me to think about that when now I don't bother hiding it. I wear tank tops, shirts with scooped necklines, and other things that allow you to see the scar.

I'm still  not totally off of being self-conscious. The negative voice still claims residence in my brain, although it's in a small corner of it. It continues to get quieter as I get older, and work harder to be healthier. I will never be the dream image I have of myself in my head. I know that. But I'm becoming somebody perhaps better than the ideal that lives in my brain.

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I apologize for not having posted. School was INSANE this week, and it's needless to say I had no motivation to put anything together; not even a Jumbled Thoughts. With luck, things will slow down as the school year comes to an end, and I'll be back to entertaining you all with my antics.

I really appreciate those who read this whole thing. I hope none of you think any different of me. I'm still the same Adi, who spends way too much money on music, and can't write a perfectly connected post if she tried. Having gone through cancer is just another thing that makes me, me.

Have a good morning/day/afternoon/night, everybody. =)